Black Rain
by JuiceBlocks
Summary: The Joker Alchemist is cocky, smart, and stealthy. She ties the military to the Organization, and is a hero of Ishvalla but will the memories of her past get in the way for freedom? They need alchemists, but SOLDIER plans to destroy them all...


**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING (except for the Joker)** its my first first story so critism would be nice :D

* * *

~ **Black Rain** ~

When the sun crept slowly over the horizon's thin line, three boys cloaked in black snaked through the dense forest, slowly trailing behind a group of drunken SOLDIERs. They were showing off the swords that they picked up in the last town they slaughtered. One burly guy with a black beard smirked, put one hand on his hip and swung a huge Buster sword with the other. After a few seconds the SOLDIER dropped the hilt of the sword on his foot and started to jump around, howling and holding his foot. He resembled a jelly bean in some ways. The rest of the group starting laughing at him, slapped his back, and continued on their way to the Empire.

"Dumbass…" the tallest of the three cloaked boys sniggered, covering his cocky mouth to avoid giving away their position.

One of the two shorter boys punched his shoulder. The tallest immediately shut up, clearing his throat and stiffening his back, trying to look serious. He glanced down at the one who punched him and whispered "What was THAT for?"

The other slapped him across the face.

Mumbling his favorite curses, the tallest threw back his hood in an overly-dramatic type way, just as the wind blew his fiery red spiky hair. Blue cerulean eyes raked over to the soldiers once more as he cocked his head, a smirk enlightening his face and teardrop tattoos to pull off the whole innocent-playboy look.

Pissed at him, and tired of not being able to see in this godforsaken dustbowl, the two shorter guys flipped their heads back to reveal a boy with blonde short spiky hair and blue eyes with an X for a necklace. The other had long brown spiky hair and blue eyes (go figure) with a crown for a necklace. They had a likeness to one another, both completely corny and somewhat clueless. But in most ways just plain irritating. You know, like a new puppy that wont stop peeing on your silk carpet, or a fish that never moves…until a week later you find out the fish is DEAD which sets you whole goddamn schedule off course and the funeral becomes a DISATSTER cause nobody shows up; but who would, it's a fish funeral, and then you never plan it and the smell is just UGH…ANYWAYY-

The SOLDIERs had left the street empty and deserted. The tallish fire-head let out a carefree laugh that hung in the air.

"Axel…!" the blondie murmured.

"ROXAS. THEY'RE. GONE. Come' on, let it out. A rebellion isn't fun when you have to be serious all the time. S'way it's called a RE-BEL-LI-ON. Have fun. Hang loose. That's L-O-O-S-E. Got it memorized?"

"No."

Axel shrugged, and turned his back.

"You know what to do."

He waved a hand and disappeared into the shadows.

The other two got up from their place behind the bushes and tore off their cloaks. The boy Roxas wore an Empire horse-man tunic; the brown haired guy wore a Fal. Guard uniform on. The boots were up to the middle of their shins, from Radiant Garden, and the both carried swords; Roxas' had a red hilt, and the brown haired boy had his hilt black. They walked into the bar the SOLDIERs just got out of before. Before they went in, they both put their Imperial helmets on and looked at each other.

"Pucker up," the brown haired boy said, as Roxas took a deep breath and walked towards the metal door. Slowly he pulled it open and swaggered inside, his mail chinking as he moved.

Inside they saw a bunch of drunken men holding onto girls with too much eye makeup on and a bar man flipping beer glasses. A fountain of red wine fell in the middle of the ceiling into a crystal bowl right underneath it. The room was lighted red and everything seemed to be blurred. A dark, misty haze entered their senses and fumes of over-powered incense arose.

"Hello, sirs," a black haired gypsy curved in front of them, holding a glass delicately between her middle fingers. She wore a lion tamer's outfit and even brandished a leather whip on her hip. Lovely.

"Fancy meeting you here," Roxas said to the gypsy. She smiled dangerously to reveal a row of razor sharp teeth. Roxas whipped the helm off his head. Under the silver hat he wore a red eye patch with the Royal Crest.

Looking back, she crept up to his ear and whispered, licking her lips, turning them red.

"The instructions should come soon. Sit tight, bastard."

She turned around, turned her head to the side, stuck her tongue out, and shifter her weight to her left foot, to be precise. The gypsy walked away and sat on a scary guy's lap; she hugged his neck and fluttered her eyes at Roxas before she pecked the gangster on the cheek.

Roxas smirked and went on swaggering on towards the barman.

Beckoning him with his two fingers, Roxas leaned on the glass countertop with his elbow and slapped the top for a drink.

The barman took a fleeting look at him, made a face like he was scum, and snarled. The other barmen curled their lips up at him- at first Roxas was outraged; he was still in character of an Empire's horse-man. But then he felt hate; so the people thought the same as he did. Good. This is very good.

So Roxas-the-military-dog-in-disguise smirked at the barmen, clicked his tongue and winked his left eye. But realizing that his left eye was the one covered with the eye patch, he mentally kicked himself and winked his other eye. The barman on the far right with a curly blonde hair and gruff beard cocked and eyebrow at his "idiocy". Roxas rolled his eyes and began to tip the drink into his mouth.

"Slick. Honestly, you are the butter to my toast." The Fal. Guard re-appeared behind him and grabbed the drink out of Roxas' hand. He gulped it down in one sip. Roxas kept the same motion as if the cup were still in his hand and flung his head towards the other. His eyes daggered through him, and any other sane person (even if they didn't know him) would've run out the bar for their lives.

[So, my first word of advice: Don't piss a commander off. No seriously, there's no joke here. DON'T DO THAT. Bad things happen to good people.]

"Sora, after we get out of here, imma kick your ass into next week."

Sora looked at him, mimicking his expression. Roxas snapped his fingers twice for another drink. The barman got him another drink, and mockingly bowed. Once his second drink came, they were still in their staring contest. Roxas had his neck craned and Sora was slouching in his chair.

So he took the advantage and stole his second drink.

A vein started to pulse in Roxas' vein by now.

[Kay, so just another thing: drinking. Who doesn't? Wanna know something else about commanders- they WILL punch you in the face if they don't get their drink. Let it be wine or beer or whatever the hell the other cities drink. It's like the alchemists, sorta. Never mind, I'll explain later.]

Roxas grinded his teeth as Sora stole his third drink. A train of thought came to his mind: why not let him get drunk? 'No Roxas, you need him sober 'til the dough passes by,'

So he chose the latter. Even though he was a pain in the ass, Sora was one of the best bandits the Resistance had. And he knew it too, which made it worse.

Keeping his malarkey gaze Sora pushed Roxas to grudge his own seat backwards and trotted off toward the other side of the bar. He kept his melon- gaze on Roxas. When Roxas glowered at him, a dark cloud hovering over his head, Sora yawned and ordered a- what the hell? He got…a freakin…ice cream cone... and SQUEALED with joy at the sight of it.

Like a three year old carrying a brand new Floustier. He pointed to the back of the bar and slid the cash towards the barman cleaning a glass, pretending to be looking at the fountain. The guy looked at the moula, cocked an eyebrow, and nodded his head. Sora stuffed a spoonful in his mouth, the melting treat dribbling down his chin; his cheeks were all puffed up and he walked away towards the back of the bar.

Roxas sighed and took another sip of the fifth drink he had to order. Right when he was finally about to taste the sweet, savory coolness of the foamy rich drink, his senses overwhelming and chills running up his back, a hand reached out and took it from his dying lips.

The darkness swelled around Roxas and whipped anybody within 5 feet from him. So basically most of the girls were on their butts, beers spilled all over their faces. Roxas pursed his lips and took the beer from the guy next to him and drank it; he was staring at the same spot since the first drink was stolen, only the first drink was warmer then he was, which made Sora go all wheezy, which made him want a cold one, which made him drunker than the SOLDEIRS, which made Roxas go all capookey-pookey on them, which made the barmaids all wet and on the floor, but he didn't even get to TASTE that drink, thus in his little mini-tantrum he hadn't realized that what he was drinking was NOT in fact a drinkable drinky- drink sort of predicament, but nonetheless (being the stupid easily-pissed type) he drank a potion that had the Friday Frost written all over it. Damn experimentals. See? NOBODY LISTENS! To me at least…

Anyway like I said before, it's not good to piss a commander off.

The gypsy girl dragged Roxas into the back of the bar, and out of sight. For me, at least.

'Cuz really, I was up in this tree, and I sorta can't get OUT…like, I'm STUCK to this god damn branch and nature just doesn't like to agree with me these days. I don't know if it was because I sorta burned down half of the Amazon rainforest or because I called Mother Nature a bitch. Either way, I was potentially screwed.

Oh, you want to know how I got here. Fine, you conceded little brat, seems like you have patience for no one. Alright, so…

"_That's it?" the Brigadier General handed me the small notepad that had all the expenses I needed to provide the Brothers with. _

"_Well, what did you expect? If he's a dog of the military then he's going to get an ass-kicking. If he's not, then we'll kick his ass anyway." He smiled and scratched the back of his head. The Brigadier General was not a man to fool around with. Seven-foot 3and ripped like Chuck Norris, a hard face and a black Italia mustache, he scared the crap out of most children at first sight. But how could I resist? _

"_Aw, c'mon Brigadier-sir-man, if we kick their asses they won't be able to sit in the electric chair. Then what fun is that? Are you gonna eat them sir? I could cook them for you. My aunt taught me this one recipe that's like a stew and I think I could get it right this time-"_

"_Like I was saying, the Organization has recently informed me that a potential threat has infested within the Resistance. The Empire has infiltrated spies in our base camp and I fear that they will soon reach here." He ignores ME and faced the rest of the newsroom, and kept their eyes glues to the Brigadier's scary face (except or me). Everybody in their blue uniforms slowly nodded (I started to text Riza) and fidgeted uncomfortably in their chairs (I sneezed). _

"_But Sir," 2__nd__ lieutenant Breda blabs, "Won't our troops be annihilated if the infiltration finds out what you're planning? The brothers-"_

"_The Brothers already know what we need to do. They're on their way to the Southern Camp. The Organization has also reported that our best bandit has retrieved, with great difficulty, one of master Ansem's reports. If they are correct, then his keyblade should react when we sat off the next explosion. The Chip has already been planted and our troops know what their duty is. Do not worry; it's not like we're idiots and haven't planned this out earlier." I flicked a piece of rice at him._

_Colonel Mustang ran a hand through his black hair and smirked at him. "Honestly now, why don't we just send the joker down? I bet she could get rid of them AND find Ed and Al. Eh, joker? Waddya say?"_

"_AHA, so you DO know where they are!" Lit. Col. Maes Hughes fixed his square glasses and pointed a finger at me, grinning like a cheesy cat. _

"_Sir, with all due respect, I think that mustang is right; she is our best bet to keep the instructions safe. Maybe we should accompany her in case she needs the backup. We still don't know how big and how strong the spies are-"_

"_Now HOLD UP guys, don't I even get to CHOOSE-"_

"_Nope." Mustang folded his arms behind his head and closed his eye. Damn, I thought he fell asleep. I scowled at him—there was NO WAY I was going to pay for all the junk food they ate, AND the hospital bill because they ate too much of it._

"_Well then, Joker Alchemist, you and the rest of you are to be transferred to the West."_

"_Shall I give you the recipe sir? In case you get hungry and I won't be able to cook the fugitives for you."_

_For some reason, he didn't mind it if __**I**__ poked him around. I couldn't help it—I was just too good for my own good._

_Our uniforms were blue; cut short at the torso and long pants. We wore black boots and State pocket watches (the alchemists did…LIKE ME). My hair was the darkest of blacks; its ends cut up to my shoulder, layered, and dyed red. Just because everybody else put it up, I decided to hold it in with chopsticks—the Japanese are always cool like that. In other words, I'm pretty sure Riku was jealous of my hair. _

_We packed our boxes, filling it with everything that we put in our office (which comprised of about 8 desks, and a lot of poker chips. Can you guess why I'm named the Joker Alchemist?), and Black Hayate, me and Riza's new dog, but I call him Black Te for short. And I must say, I don't mean to brag or anything, but we have the BEST training abilities in the whole damn world. _

_So, here's our fleet; me, the Joker Alchemist, Col. Mustang, the Flame Alchemist, 1ist lieutenant Riza Hawkeye, 2__nd__ lieutenant Jean Havoc, 2__nd__ lieutenant Heymans Breda, Warrant Officer Vato Faman, and Major Sergeant Kain Fuery. All of us were Mustang's most trusted subordinates, and he and I were of same ranking. I am also a Col., although I let Roy get all of the praise—he has the goal to become Fuher and I'll be right hand to him. Riza will be his official 2__nd__ in command, but who cares? _

_Armstrong and Hughes saw us off at the train station and Hughes told Roy to get a wife to increase his popularity among our camps. It took us about 4 days to get there. I and Black Te fell asleep on Mustang's shoulder and then on Riza's, until dinner came along. A boring process I know, until Kain finally bought me a book at the local market. Did I ever mention how much I LOVE these people?_

_So we got to the camps and the first thing they said to me was that I had to go and find Commander Dimwit and the Innocent Bandit. Black-haired-gypsy-girl told me the Organization had a plan to take over a group f SOLDEIR that was passing through Zanarkand, but Axel was having trouble in the South camps, so they had to send up the Instructions to a local bar where the SOLDIERs are predicted to stop. Yeah, good plan and all, except the two morons DON'T KNOW THAT. So now I have to save their sorry asses. _

So here I am, in this tree, my stuck in the tree. My wire got caught in the branches and I can't get out. Stupid asses didn't stop to listen to Axel when he called them, so is that really my fault? Did Riku really have to yell at me because I was doing my job, in indecently failed at it? No! God, that stupid teenager is and ass hole.

And then I remembered—HOLE! I checked my back pocket to see if Riza packed my cards in there, and sure enough she did. I love her.

One of my gloves was already on, so I touched the branch and the cards shot out of the deck and hovered around me in a circle. I said "Hole." And they shot at the branch, making a HUGE hole in it. Hell yeah baby, don't MESS with the Joker!

I jumped down and ran towards the back, feeling for the paper in my back pocket. I let out a sigh of relief, and smiled.

"Hey there girlie, fancy a night out with the big boys?"

Holy shit, dude.


End file.
